Friday, October 07, 2005

No gifts, please

Some bloggers link to their Amazon wish lists. Crass, selfish, decadent bloggers. Not I. I don't want your gifts. Here are some things I really don't want.

Costco sells this Rival chocolate fountain for $39.99.
Turn any occasion into an event with the Rival Chocolate Fountain! Imagine entertaining and delighting your guests with the sweet aroma of warm chocolate and the visual centerpiece of a decadent, cascading chocolate waterfall. The Rival Chocolate Fountain holds 3-5 pounds of chocolate and best of all uses any brand of chocolate. Let your guests indulge themselves by dipping fruits-strawberries, bananas, cherries, cookies, cakes, nuts, pretzels and even marshmallows, whatever their taste!
Even marshmallows! I whipped out the Visa. I mean, if you can let your guests indulge themselves, 40 bucks is practically nothing. Then I read the fine print:
Dip virtually anything in the fountain (cakes are not recommended)

Next item, please.

Counterappliance sells this Rival Pit BBQ crockpot for $89.99 (ribs and chicken sold separately).
The easiest way to make barbeque. The unique shape of the new Crock-Pit Barbeque is per [sic] for cooking slow and low. With the great heritage of the Crock Pot brand , this new version will make a delicious meal that cooks all day, and is ready when you get home. It is family-size capacity, holding a 7 lb. roast, 2 chickens, or 3 slabs of ribs. The feature [sic] include high-low temperature setting, removable stoneware, multiuse rack, and a recipe book. The perfect solution for flavorful, tender, barbecue slow roast flavor. Tender results every time. Family size capacity. Patented multiuse rack design to hold roasts, ribs, etc. High and low temperature settings. Easy-to-use, turn it on and cook all day. Come home to delicious fall off the bone meat. Includes rack and recipe book. Dishwasher safe stoneware.
If you're confused, let me try to unpack that for you. It's a slow cooker with two temperature settings, high and low. It makes food with good flavor. You can use it to cook a roast, two chickens, or three slabs of ribs. They can cook all day. It comes with a recipe book and it's dishwasher safe. It has two temperature settings, high and low. And it comes with a recipe book. Did I mention the temperature settings? There are two.

What the hell kind of appliance is this? Last I checked, BBQ involved smoke and smoke and indoor cooking don't mix. I'm pretty sure this is just a slow cooker with racks fitted inside it. Don't want it.

Last item:

Target sells this Rival Crock Pot Gravy Mate for $19.99.
Attractive, ingenious gravy boat keeps gravy warm and is pretty enough for almost any table
Tempting, but mine is one of those rare tables. This gravy boat isn't pretty enough for it.

To sum up, I don't want these new products from Rival. We don't have the space in which to store them. I'm not going out and buying 3-5 pounds of chocolate only to let my friends dip marshmallows in it. I don't often have 7-lb. roasts to cook while I'm away all day. And my gravy will just get cold, I'm afraid.

(Ok, I admit it. I wouldn't mind to take these babies out for a test drive.)

UPDATE: In the comments, Stacie draws our attention to some more crazy products. Because they're all super-special, I'm giving you the hot links:

It's like a rock tumbler, but for meat.

For when "wrap it in foil and chuck it in the oven" is too damn difficult.

Sucks up power? Check. Takes up space? Check. Doesn't really do anything? Check.

And, for those of you nostalgic for the Nacho Vendor of yesteryear.


Blogger Barbara Fisher said...

I loathe, hate and despise chocolate fountains.

They are in every junky schlocky housewares catalog that get sent to my house. They are even on the front or back cover of several of them.

I hate them. They are gross. They do not look appealing. Nor is the thought of them appealing.

I really hope that this fad ends soon.

11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All sorts of travesties in the "novelty appliance" section of

It's like a rock tumbler, but for meat:

For when "wrap it in foil and chuck it in the oven" is too damn difficult:

Sucks up power? Check. Takes up space? Check. Doesn't really do anything? Check.

And, for those of you nostalgic for the Nacho Vendor of yesteryear:

12:51 PM  

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